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Excerpt from the Book:
As a Christian I am, as Tim Keller states, “more sinful and flawed than I ever dared believe and more accepted and loved than I ever dared hope.”1
Two Powerful Truths
These two truths can also be referred to as the gospel- the story of Christ’s life and death that redeemed sinful man. I cannot overstate how important and powerful these two truths are. Sadly, many Christians, once they have accepted Christ, begin to take them for granted as they seek to grow in the spiritual walk. The gospel is treated as the key to enter the kingdom, but once we’re in we try to move on to deeper and more mature knowledge. What we often fail to realize is that the gospel is still as important, if not more so, to mature Christians as it is to non-Christians. The gospel is intended to be our daily motivation and companion. It is the “how” to all the “whats” of the Christian life.
I’ll give you an example. I was recently watching a Christian video on the internet. It was a short video meant to set up the Sunday morning sermon. The tech guys call it a “bumper” but you know it as the video that plays as the worship team leaves the stage. The narrator’s words went something like this:
“Check this out. 1977 years, 134 days, 16 hours, and 28 minutes ago Jesus was asked, ‘What is the greatest commandment?’ Jesus simply answered ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.’(Enter techno music and cool graphics)…You see, our love for God must be sincere, not just by the words we speak, but also by engaging our souls. To truly love God we must be passionate about Him, inside and out. The only way to follow this command is to make loving God our first priority.”2
The video continued to point out that if we do this, if we make loving God a priority, then we will naturally follow the second greatest commandment- to love others as ourselves.
Now, the words in this video may not seem odd to you. They may sound like many of the other videos, sermons, and lessons you’ve heard in the past. But the narrator’s instructions in this video are extremely frustrating to me. Notice what he says. “Our love for God must be sincere…we must be passionate about Him.” Thats great and its true, but I want to know how I am supposed to do this. I mean, I’m a sinful, selfish, depraved person. How in the world can I become passionate about loving God. Thank goodness he answers this for me. “The only way to follow this command is to make loving God our first priority.” What!? That’s the same thing you just said. I need to really love God by really loving God? I still don’t know how I’m supposed to do this.
And its the same with most of the books and sermons I’ve heard over the years. I’m instructed to do this or that. I’m told why I desperately need to this or that. And then the guy starts praying! You haven’t told me how! Do I have to come back next Sunday or buy part 2 of your book? What’s the deal?
The How of the Christian Life
The gospel, the truth that I am more sinful and flawed than I ever dared believe and more accepted and loved than I ever dared hope, is the how of the Christian life. It is the power and the motivation behind our spiritual growth. We can’t simply make living a good life a priority or try to rev up some discipline and love. It doesn’t work that way. We grow by remembering. We move forward in our Christian life as we are reminded of and rejoice in the gospel. As Tullian Tchividjian writes, “I once assumed that the gospel was simply what non-Christians must believe in order to be saved, but after they believe it, they advance to deeper theological waters…the gospel isn’t the first step in a stairway of truths but more like the hub in a wheel of truth…The gospel doesn’t just ignite the Christian life; it’s the fuel that keeps Christians going every day. Once God rescues sinners, his plan isn’t to steer them beyond the gospel but to move them more deeply into it. After all, the only antidote to sin is the gospel- and since Christians remain sinners even after they’re converted, the gospel must be the medicine a Christian takes every day. Since we never leave off sinning, we can never leave the gospel.” 3
You see, as we grow in Christ we are confronted with our sin daily. As we seek to live a good life and fail, we are reminded that our hearts are flawed. We will never be able to attain the holiness that God desires of us. But, we are also reminded that Christ attained that holiness for us, that God accepts and love us sinners because of Him, and that it is possible to have a relationship with God even in our sinful state. The product, the end result of this, is thankfulness and gratefulness. As we remember, rehearse, and rejoice in the gospel we begin to live our lives in loving response. This motivation is the how of the Christian life. How do you grow in your love for God? By rehearsing the gospel! By telling yourself that you are a sinful person who deserves death, hell, and the grave. But Christ has redeemed you and reunited you with the Father. You have been rescued from your plight and brought into His eternal family. With these two truths in you mind, you can’t help but love God. It’s the natural result of the gospel.
1 http://download.redeemer.com/pdf/learn/resources/Centrality_of_the_Gospel-Keller.pdf
2 http://vimeo.com/9191818
3 Tullian Tchividjian, Surprised by Grace, pg 16.
Andy Stanley is the senior pastor of North Point Community Church in Atlanta. He’ll be in Seattle on August 26 for a Catalyst One Day leadership event, along with Craig Groeschel of LifeChurch.tv and a Q&A panel with Pastor Mark Driscoll. You get the best rate if you register by July 22.
Leadership, by definition, is forward-focused. Leaders are compelled to look ahead in anticipation of tomorrow’s demands. But sometimes this foresight can prevent us from appreciating today’s accomplishments. It can also blind us to a debt we all owe. With eyes fixed on the future, it’s often easy to forget what, or more importantly who, is behind us.
In the wake of any success is a group of committed, gifted, and generous people who have facilitated the leader’s accomplishments. If we are great at what we do, it is due in part to the dozens, maybe even hundreds of people who have gotten behind us and have given their most valuable commodity—their time—to support our vision.
If we think about the number of hours that people spend to enable us to do what we do, we could never fully repay them. This generosity creates a deficit in our relationships. So what do we do?
Two Simple Words
The appropriate response to that kind of generosity is to say thank you. You can’t possibly pay for the hundreds of hours volunteers give you, and you can’t give the hours back. So as simple and trite as it may seem, it really is the only fitting response.
4 Ways to Communicate Gratitude
Obviously there’s more to expressing gratitude than a quick thanks. People have a sincerity meter that registers empty thanks a mile away. Here are four things to keep in mind when communicating the appreciation you really feel.
Be specific. When you say thank you, include details. There is a huge difference between saying thanks and saying thanks followed by a detailed description of what you caught, saw, or are aware the other person was doing.
Be public. Over the years we have learned the value of storytelling—the value of spending a few minutes in front of your leaders telling success stories that communicate vision, but more importantly, express gratitude. Public gratitude expresses a high level of value and can result in an even higher level of loyalty.
Be aware. You have to develop a mindset that looks for accomplishments to celebrate. Listen for stories two or three levels away in your organization and call or write to say thank you. Even though you didn’t observe the act, you communicate, “I didn’t see it, but somebody else saw it and they are talking about it. What you did is significant.”
Be honest. Don’t say you liked something you didn’t. Remember, what gets rewarded gets repeated. Also, don’t attribute something to someone that she didn’t really do. Rather than being encouraging and motivating, you’re communicating that you really weren’t paying attention. So when you say thank you, be honest and don’t overdo it.
Who Needs an Installment?
In Philippians 1:3-6, Paul summarizes this practice when he writes, “I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Paul, who accomplished so much, recognized and expressed his appreciation for the generous partnership of the Philippians that made it possible.
If the man who wrote half of the New Testament said thanks, then we probably should too.
HT: Resurgence
Of First Importance is a great blog I check daily. It is filled with quotes about the gospel and our identity in Christ. If you haven’t already subscribed, you need to. Here is just a smattering:
“Christians don’t think God will love us because we’re good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.”
“God’s love is relentless in its determination that we be cured of our sins, at whatever the cost to us or to Him.”
“Jesus gave Himself for us in His death that He might give Himself to us in His life.”
“You will cleanse no sin from your life that you have not first recognized as being pardoned through the cross. This is because holiness starts in the heart. The essence of holiness is not new behavior, activity, or disciplines. Holiness is new affections, new desires, and new motives that then lead to new behavior. If you don’t see your sin as completely pardoned, then your affections, desires, and motives will be wrong. You will aim to prove yourself. Your focus will be the consequences of your sin rather than hating the sin and desiring God in its place.”
“Grace dismantles your confidence in you, while it gives you more hope and courage than you have ever had.”
“None of our poor human explanations of life’s dark mystery can heal the hurt of baffled and tormented souls. Nothing can suffice but this — to see Love Incarnate taking upon itself the very worst that suffering and evil can do upon the earth, God going into action once for all against the powers of darkness, Christ reigning from the deadly tree, and making His victory there the pledge and the assurance for all the sons of men.”
“One of the sweetest statements from the lips of Jesus . . . is this: ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world’ (Matt. 25:34b). There is a plan of God designed for your salvation. It is not an afterthought or an attempt to correct a mistake. Rather, from all eternity, God determined that He would redeem for Himself a people, and that which He determined to do was, in fact, accomplished in the work of Jesus Christ, His atonement on the cross. Your salvation has been accomplished by a Savior, One who did for you what the Father determined He should do. He is your Surety, your Mediator, your Substitute, your Redeemer. He atoned for your sins on the cross.”
“We don’t change so we can prove ourselves to God. We’re accepted by God so we can change. God gives us a new identity, and this new identity is the motive and basis for our change.”
“Christ is our holiness in the same sense in which he is our righteousness. He is a complete and all-sufficient Savior. He does not accomplish his work halfway but saves us really and completely. He does not rest until, after pronouncing his acquittal in our conscience, he has also imparted full holiness and glory to us.
By his righteousness, accordingly, he does not just restore us to the state of the just who will go scot-free in the judgment of God, in order then to leave us to ourselves to reform ourselves after God’s image and to merit eternal life. But Christ has accomplished everything. He bore for us the guilt and punishment of sin, placed himself under the law to secure eternal life for us, and then arose from the grave to communicate himself to us in all his fullness for both our righteousness and sanctification (1 Cor. 1:30). The holiness that must completely become ours therefore fully awaits us in Christ.”
Last night I attended my wife’s bible study with three other women. They are slowly making their way through a study on Colossians that I’ve written. Verse by verse, they draw out repeated words, author’s logic, main themes, response of original readers, timeless truths, and applications. They are eating it up. But the main thing all of them have found out through the epistle to the Colossians is that Paul is one repetitive guy. Exactly!
The same theme is explained from every angle in chapters 1-2: The Gospel causes growth- not spiritual discipline or labor. Only the gospel has the power to transform people’s lives. And last night, as they studied chapter 3, the story was no different.
3:1-17 is really one of the most profound pieces of writ on sanctification through the gospel that I have ever come across in Paul’s writings. It is short and profound.
In 3:1-4, Paul sets up the theme of the section. “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above…For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.
3:5-11 includes a big list of things not to do. “sexual immorality, impurity, list, evil desires”, etc.
3:12-14 includes a big list of things we should do. “Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility…bear with each other and forgive…” etc.
And then, in 3:15-17 Paul tells us exactly how to do these things. “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, be thankful, let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, sing psalms with gratitude in your hearts, giving thanks to God.”
What’s so amazing about this passage is how Paul synopsizes the entire Christian life. We begin with the realization that we are united with Christ through grace, and that the old self is gone. We realize the great truth of the gospel. Then we allow that truth to work in us by watching the old self slowly die and the new self come to life. And this happens through the same thing that started this whole process- remembering the gospel. This remembrance fuels a great fire of thankfulness and gratefulness. When we rehearse the gospel, we are swept away in a flood of worship, and this worship allows and causes us to live in loving response- not in order to earn God’s acceptance but because we already have it.
Beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, I wrote a poem. Don’t judge me…I still spit and scratch from time to time.
A patient etherized on a table
No blood, no pulse
Cold skin, frozen bone and joints
And you bid me open my eyes?
More than that, you ask me to rise and run?
But how?
How to form these ashes into
Something untouched by flame
How to stand under the weight of depravity
How to beat the current of these
Million lusts and vanities
How to make these dry bleached bones
Dance upon your will
By Thanks
And the sweet worship fills my veins,
A pulse, a shock, the heart begins to beat
A blink, a twitch, movement and mobility
Lungs breathe deep and let fly a melody
Worship brings life, and You cause both
Worship, not this weak flat impulse
Where I press into You
But Worship, this dynamic force, where
I find you pushing me along
And these less wild lovers flee into the sand
As the great tide of glory
Surrounds and bathes
The substance of how
The source of motivation
Worship makes me rise
And I am helpless before its waves
Not work, not strain, not wearied bended back
But floating buoyant in Your love
No thirst, no cold
Only warm satisfaction and the glorious shore
Growing nearer in the current
Of Thanks.
By Scott Thomas, President of Acts 29
1. Fathers Pursuing Christ see their children as a blessing from God
Never give in to the notion that your children are anything but a blessing from God (Psalm 127:3-5; Genesis 1:28; 3:16; 4:1, 25).
2. Fathers Pursuing Christ understand that their children are born with a bent toward evil
Children are born in total depravity (Romans 3:10-18; 5:12, 18 19; 8:7-8; Psalm 51:5; 58:3). All the potential for sin of every kind is already present in seed form in every child. Parental tolerance, passivity and lack of involvement will allow the seed to germinate (Proverbs 22:15).
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- Legalism is not the answer
- Behavior Modification is not the answer
- Isolationism is not the answer (John 17:14-19)
- Self-Esteem is not the answer
- Regeneration is the answer (John 3:6-7; Romans 8:7-8)
3. Fathers Pursuing Christ believe the Gospel is the Good News for Children
Leading your children to Jesus is a long-term, full-time duty given to parents (Deuteronomy 6:6-7; 2 Corinthians 5:11, 18-20). Genuine faith is prompted by God’s work in the heart of a child (John 6:44-45) and assured by the Holy Spirit (Romans 8:15-16). The essentials of the gospel are the following:
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- God is holy, hates sin, and demands perfection (Proverbs 1:7; Leviticus 11:44-45; Joshua 24:19; Exodus 20:5; Psalm 5:4; 7:11).
- Mankind is born as sinners condemned by their deeds in violation of the law of God and are utterly helpless (Romans 2:16; 3:10-12, 20, 23; 5:17; 6:23; 7:7; 8:7-8; Hebrews 9:27).
- Jesus is God who became man (John 1:1-3, 14), lived a sinless life (Hebrews 4:15; 1 Peter 2:22-23; 1 John 3:5) and became a sacrifice for our sin (2 Corinthians 5:21; Titus 2:14) by shedding His own blood as atonement for our sins (Ephesians 1:7; Revelation 1:5). His death was necessary for our salvation (1 Peter 2:24; Colossians 1:20). He was raised from the dead (Romans 1:4; 4:25; 1 Corinthians 15:3-4) to freely justify (Romans 3:24; 5:1-2, 9; Galatians 2:16) and make righteous those who trust in Him (1 Corinthians 1:30; 2 Corinthians 5:21; Romans 4:5-6; Philippians 3:8-9).
- Faith in Jesus Christ is essential for justification (Ephesians 2:8-9). The repentant sinner (Acts 3:19; 17:30; 26:20) turns his heart from sin (1 Thessalonians 1:9 Ezekiel 14:6; 18:30) follows Jesus (Luke 9:23, 62; John 12:26) and trusts Jesus as Lord and Savior (Acts 16:31; Romans 10:9).
- True faith perseveres to the end (Mark 8:34-37; 10:21; Luke 14:26-33; John 12:24-25).
4. Fathers Pursuing Christ train their children to honor and obey
This principle of obeying parents lays the foundation for every other principle about how we should treat our fellow human beings. (Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:2). It also lays the foundation for how one is to obey the Heavenly Father (Ephesians 6:4). Below are some steps of training children to obey:
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- Counter the influences of evil behavior with a deep, unconditional love for them
- Use discipline as a means to communicate that love (Ephesians 6:4; Proverbs 3:11-12; Hebrews 12:5-11)
- Train them to heed your instructions without delay or complaint and transfer that allegiance to God.
- Help them to leave childish folly for Spirit-controlled wisdom (Proverbs 13:24; 19:18; 22:15; 23:13-14; 29:15-17).
- Follow the example of Jesus (Luke 2:52).
- Teach them to obey Jesus as their highest authority (Ephesians 6:1; Colossians 3:20, 23-24).
- Discern the attitude of the child (Ephesians 6:2) and the attitude of the father (Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21).
5. Fathers Pursuing Christ practice and demonstrate submission (Ephesians 5:19-21)
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- Father submits to Christ
- Family submits to father
- Father submits to wife’s needs
- Wife submits to Christ
- Wife submits to the leadership of the husband as granted by God
- Children submit to parent’s authority
- Parents submit to children’s needs
6. Fathers Pursuing Christ love their wives (Ephesians 5:25 ff)
Love is the summarizing duty of fathers. Leadership flows from love. Love is sacrificial (Ephesians 5:25; Acts 20:28; 1 John 3:16; John 15:13; 1 Peter 3:7). Love is purifying (Ephesians 5:25-27). Love is caring (Ephesians 5:28-31; Genesis 2:24). Love is Enduring (Ephesians 5:31; Matthew 19:6)
HT: Scott Thomas
Here are a few posts I’ve found that have helped me out immensely when it comes to raising obedient children:
Here are a few ways that we are trying to raise obedient children:
1. We are confident in our God-given parental authority.
God has set parents in place as the authority figures in the lives of children. Hebrews 12 speaks of how discipline is actually a privilege of being a son. Don’t fear that your child will resent your discipline. On the contrary, they will soon realise that it is a sign of your love for them.
2. We never count to three.
The counting-to-three routine undermines your authority and places your child in the driving seat. You are training them that, essentially, obedience is a negotiation and they can determine the timing of their obedience. Train them to think, “I must obey straight away.”
3. We model it ourselves to authority figures in our lives.
Several times a year there is a clash between what my “boss” is asking me to do and what my family and I would like to do. I always seize these opportunities to explain to my boys that I must obey my boss straight away and with a good attitude, and that although I would much rather spend Saturday morning with them, I must obey my “boss” and go to that meeting.
4. We try not to exasperate our children (Eph. 6:4).
Avoid petty rules. Pick your battles. Be merciful and compassionate. When you are in the wrong, say a sincere “sorry” to them. Also, make sure that you are giving them sufficient attention so that they are not compelled to rebel just to get some time and attention from you.
5. We use appropriate forms of punishment.
We discipline mostly for three D’s: disobedience, disrespect, and destruction (of property or your brother’s nose). Punishment must be proportional to the offense and also proportional to the child’s stage of life. If it is not then you will find that you exasperate a growing child. Also, the mode of punishment must be what will best help the child. Different parents have more “faith” in some forms of punishment than others, and different children respond differently to different forms of punishment. I acknowledge and respect that, although we have had continued success with the primary biblical form of disciplining children with a wooden spoon on their chubby bottoms.
6. We are convinced that it really is worth the effort.
The joy of parenting increases dramatically when you have obedient children, and most importantly, you are equipping your children with the vital life-skill of obedience, which will stand them in good stead in their obedience to God, life, at school, and in the workplace.
HT: Resurgence
Children are like Arrows
Please stop reading for a moment and think of one word that you would compare children to. Have you got it? I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that you didn’t come up with “arrows.” I mean, when you have to get out of bed at 2am to clean up your child’s vomit, few parents instinctively say, “Oh, you poor little arrow!” But Psalm 127 speaks of children as arrows in our hands.
Children, like arrows, need to be carefully made.
To turn a branch or plank into an arrow requires considerable time, care, and skill. Here’s a question: who is going to be the primary shaper of your kids? School friends? TV? Movies? Magazines? If you don’t shape them, someone else will.
Children, like arrows, are weapons of war.
God will use them as swift, penetrative, and offensive weapons to advance the gospel in the lives of many in the future and to unleash great damage on the kingdom of darkness.
Children, like arrows, can go where we can’t.
During the American presidential race that George W. Bush won to continue into his second term, the Harvard Business Review cited states voting for Bush (Republican) having a birth rate 12% higher than states voting for John Kerry (Democrat). Their conclusion was that the future would belong to the Republicans! The moral of the story: raise lots of godly kids. (Editor’s note: we are not aligning with any political party—merely pointing out a sociological fact that having kids changes culture.)
Children, like arrows, should obediently go in the direction that they are fired in.
Obedience is the primary biblical command to children (Eph 6:1-4) because it is the key to all other godly characteristics. Issues such as laziness and bad manners are actually rooted in disobedience, because if you train your children to be well-mannered then they will be, unless they are disobedient.
HT: Resurgence
By Jared
What I mean by a marriage that is grace-driven is a marriage in which one or both parties have been captured by the grace of God in the atoning work and resurrection of Jesus Christ and therefore seek to glorify God in Christ in Spiritual power through the daily “drudgery” of their marriage. The chief step to this reality is believing the gospel.
In Ephesians 5:21-25, Paul writes:
. . . submitting to one another out of reverence to Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her . . .
There is a snapshot of what a grace-driven marriage looks like. Its central theme is the Person of Jesus, and the dynamic of “mutual submission” to each other’s needs is chiefly about reverence for him.
The wife shows reverence for Christ in her submission to her husband. Submission to his headship is an act of grace to him, reflective of the grace given to her by God. She can demonstrate this grace-driven submission in many ways, but here are three:
1. Respecting him verbally and publicly. Men are terrible mind-readers and context-clue-picker-uppers, not because they’re stupid but just because of the way they’re wired. They need to hear that they’re respected, as well as shown. They need to be verbally encouraged, and even if a wife finds opportunities to publicly praise her husband difficult to come by, she can “settle” for not criticizing him in front of others or bringing disagreements/difficulties between the two of them into public conversations. This shames a husband and is a sabotage act of legalistic leverage, not grace.
2. Repenting of leveraging anything. This includes use of passive aggression, sexual intimacy as reward or withholding of same as punishment, “I told you so” when results meet your expectations but not his, tit for tat on anything. Women have long memories and great is their temptation to use them in winning arguments, wars of wills, etc. Don’t do that. These are all reflections of the way Eve exploited Adam’s passivity and usurped his headship to exert her own control. She was “quite deceived.”
3. Defer on decisions. A wife who says or even merely thinks toward her husband, “I don’t care what you say” has gone rogue. She may enjoy for the moment being free of her husband’s authority, but she will not enjoy coming out from God’s. It is sin to submit to sin, so never acquiesce to a husband’s headship when takes you out from under Christ’s, but remember: it’s not submission if you agree with the decision. In matters that are not sin, but merely disagreement, advise, counsel, pray, encourage. But defer.
By all means, don’t do any of these things if you don’t want a confident, happy, encouraged husband. Some ladies like the milquetoast types. I hear the pasty British vampire thing is “in” right now.
Husbands, your call to grace in your marriage to your wife is deeper and more demanding. It is nothing less than self-crucifixion in “reverencing” your wife as you would reverence yourself. Her call is to submission; your call is to sacrifice. Here are three practical ways to love your wife as Christ loved the church.
1. Honor her by way of priority. Put her first. Above yourself, above your kids. Make her fulfillment the gauge of your success. Do not coast. There is no autopilot setting for husbanding. If you fail to take the initiative in loving and respecting — verbally, actively, constantly — you implicitly take responsibility for your marriage going over the cliff. Treat your wife as precious. She is not your employee. Do not exploit her submission, and do not abdicate your responsibility if she neglects hers. Do not grow weary in an effort to present her pure and spotless before the Lord. Passivity is masculinity at its most fallen.
2. Talk! Christ engaged the Church; he put skin on and communed with her. He dines with her, speaks with her, sings over her, delights in her. Open your mouth and talk to your wife. Ask her how she feels. Ask her what she needs/wants. Ask her what her dreams/struggles/fears/concerns/entertainments are. Be her friend.
3. Worship God. In all things, including the self-emptying in the obedience of the cross, the Son submitted to the Father. If your wife is pulling the spiritual weight in your family, repent and believe in the gospel. Then lead your family. Your authority comes from God’s authority, so if you neglect his, you give up the grounds for expectation of submission to yours. Your wife longs in her heart to hear she is desired, approved, and accepted, so “evangelize” her often, and your children as well.
What Christians who claim to love the gospel should want is a marriage that makes as much of Jesus as possible.
Excerpt from my book: Why only the church can love the world
You see, the world outside our church walls is in a hopeless dilemma. They are lost and do not know it. Because all of us are created in the image of God, and God as a triune God has eternally lived in community, we are born with a longing for true communal relationships. And because each of the members of the trinity relate to one another in and through wholly sacrificial love, we also have a need to sacrificially love others. It is what we were made for. Anyone who has truly loved someone even when it hurts understands what Jesus meant when he said that he has come to give us life to the full. The motivation to love others finds its source and sustenance in the Triune God, who models the type of sacrificial love we are meant to display.
But the culture in which you and I live does not operate with this fundamental truth. The majority of those in the world outside believe that humans were created by pure chance and random occurrence, not in the image of the Triune God. Because of this, the basic meaning and outworking of things like love, service, and aid are flawed and misconstrued. This world, disillusioned by a naturalistic worldview, has chosen a path that leaves no logical room for sacrificial love.
Those who accept that we are naturalistic products of evolution have burned the bridge to sacrificial love. You see, according to evolutionary philosophy, those who need help have placed themselves in that position. If this philosophy is followed to its obvious end, the weaker of the species should be left to die and suffer. By helping the weak and dying, one is simply prolonging their eventual extinction and making it harder and more inconvenient on the ones actually improving the species. This may seem a little harsh but it is the logical conclusion given a foundation of random chance and purposeless existence. I’m sure the celebrities and intellectuals in our culture would not be so bold as to say this, but in reality, if they remain true to the basic tenets of their belief system, they must accept this.
In response to the question as to whether non-Christians can love other people, Michael Wittmer keenly observes, “Yes but they do so despite rather than because of their beliefs. For example, social scientists committed to philosophical naturalism (there is no God, just nature) believe that each person seeks his or her own interest in a cosmic survival of the fittest. Why do some people sacrificially love others? According to these scientists, altruistic people suffer from docility (they do what others tell them) and “bounded rationality” (they are dumb). Should these scientists themselves ever genuinely love – and God help their families if they do not – they have by their own standards become stupid wimps.”1
But, as we see on so many points of the naturalistic worldview, this is impossible to live out. Even the die-hard atheist cannot help but feel sympathy for the young victims of a tsunami or terrorist bombing. Surely they love their wives and children. Every human being, having been created in the image of God, is naturally drawn to sacrificial love. Though some may try to dismiss the ancient longing as a genetic fluke or weakness, no one can deny that it exists. This is why we can see many secular agencies not just helping the tuna or helpless sea turtles, but also those dying of aids in Africa and the malnourished of Asia. Non-Christians look upon a hurting world, are pulled towards compassion and love, and act as best as they can.
And herein lies the problem. Divorced from a worldview that takes into account the living picture of sacrificial love, Jesus Christ, humanity’s best attempts at this love are simply ways to ease the conviction they feel inside their hearts and from the outside culture. The best the world can hope to love is to love as long as it still hurts inside. Let me repeat that. The best the world can hope to love is to love as long as it still hurts inside. Once the conscience has been appeased then the love starts to dwindle until it eventually disappears.
This should not shock us. It makes sense. The hedonist enters a relationship for the pleasure that it gives. They will stay in that relationship as long as the pleasure remains. As soon as conflict, strife, or the call to selflessness enters the picture the hedonist is out the door. And, taking their worldview into account, we can’t blame them. If there is no purpose in life there are only two options- despair or the quest for as much pleasure as possible. Every story about the up and down relationships of our favorite celebrities proves this.
Some might argue that other religions such as Buddhism or Islam offer a framework in which sacrificial love is possible. But, even in these religions, the motivation to love is flawed. An Islamic person loves others because they are commanded to do so, not because their god has exemplified this action, like in Christianity. They serve others out of the private guilt they feel inside or the fear of breaking a command. Once they feel as if they have fulfilled this duty, the love and and motivation to love dwindles and stops.
So we find that the world is motivated to sacrificially love others by two things- private guilt or public guilt. They either simply obey whatever the world says they should do or they submit to the genetic fluke of sympathy. The movie star adopts orphans from a third world country because it is the cool thing to do or to try and ease the accidental generosity they feel inside. But neither of these motivations has the power to sustain a life time of love and sacrifice.
1 Wittmer, Michael E. “Don’t Stop Believing”, pg 57.
For you married folks:
1 Corinthians 7:1-5:
1Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Within the marital covenant, sexual intimacy can be a joyous, mutually satisfying, and mutually encouraging gift. But many husbands and wives don’t know how to “get there.” In 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, Paul is telling Christian married couples to not think of their bodies as their own, but as existing for the service of their partner in one-fleshedness. In his excellent book Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas writes, “Sex is serving each other with our bodies.”
Perhaps we may recapture the cultural circumlocution “making love” and recast it in the vision of grace-driven sex as the fruit of a grace-driven marriage, a marriage relationship that is captured by the grace of God in the atoning work and resurrection of Jesus Christ and therefore seeks to glorify God in Christ in Spiritual power through the daily “drudgery” of the marriage. If a man carries around in his heart the question(s) “Do I have what it takes? Am I a real man?”, and if a women carries around in her heart the question(s) “Am I desirable? Am I lovely? Am I acceptable?”, grace-driven sexual intimacy then can answer these questions affirmatively and simultaneously, thereby “making” love.
Apart from (what Paul David Tripp calls) “body parts issues,” what are some practical ways that husbands and wives can submit to each other and sacrifice for each other in pursuit of grace-driven sex?
3 Practical ways wives can submit their bodies for grace-driven intimacy:
1. Be visually generous – You likely know that men are visually wired and therefore easily captivated. A wife can engage and captivate her husband, then, by becoming generous with how she presents herself to her husband, appealing to him sexually in the (un-sinful) ways in which he’s wired. Maybe it means keeping the lights on. Maybe it involves flirtation and seduction. Maybe it means bringing the lingerie out on more than just Valentine’s Day. But even outside the bedroom, there are many circumstances in which men may feel as though their wives have given up seeking to captivate their vision. We all see the “funny ’cause it’s true” humor in the wife in sweatpants and baggy tees, but is this much different than a husband who gives up on becoming presentable, putting the pressure on his wife to give grace to his sloppiness? Do you dress to “impress” for people more than for your husband? A wife can rightfully say, however, “But shouldn’t my husband accept me as I am? Shouldn’t my home be a place where I can just be myself and not have to try to impress anybody?” Of course. And your husband should love and accept and cherish you no matter how you look. But I think the overarching question, the one that gets most at the heart is this: Whose vision are you interested in captivating?
2. Engage/enjoy - There are certainly exceptions, and many men are willing to settle, but the majority of men are not merely interested in sex for the release. In Shaunti Feldhan’s For Women Only — highly recommended, by the way — she reveals the results of her survey question, “With regard to sex, for some men it is sufficient to be sexually gratified whenever they want. For other men it is also important to feel wanted and desired by their wife. How important is it to you to also feel sexually wanted and desired by your wife?” A whopping 97% said it was “very” (66%) or “somewhat” (31%) important to feel sexually wanted and desired by their wives. Only 2% said it wasn’t important so long as they got enough sex.
What Feldhahn discovered, to her surprise, is that for men, sexual satisfaction is tied only superficially to sexual release — it’s not less than that, but certainly more — but also to feeling desired, accepted, encouraged, adored, and attractive to their wives. She concludes — and most men would affirm — that it is important for wives not just to be willing, but to participate, cultivate eagerness, to engage and enjoy. (I am not saying getting to that point is easy; I’m only saying that that point is the point of your husband’s greatest satisfaction, so from a grace-driven perspective, I would hope a Christ-revering wife would at the least be interested in getting there.) The absolute best biblical example of this, of course, is the bride’s disposition in Song of Songs.
3. Talk – Men are not wired very well for context clues, and because a woman’s body has ebbs and flows to what she may find desirable, arousing, etc., men often feel lost. (e.g. That thing “worked” the last time, didn’t it? Why isn’t it working now?) Meanwhile his wife feels he doesn’t know her at all. Look, men may not ask for directions, but they’ll accept them if given lovingly. Most men really do want to please and satisfy their wives and find pleasure themselves in doing so. It is odd that many women will want to talk about everything on their mind but this one thing. It’s okay to ask for something, to guide a man’s hands, etc. And while, of course, it would be great if he just already knew exactly what you wanted/needed, nobody gets good at something without practice and direction. Given enough of that over time, a man of average intelligence and interest will learn how to satisfy his wife. Don’t give up; give instructions.
3 Practical ways husbands can submit their bodies for grace-driven intimacy:
1. Listen and remember. – Men, cherish your wives. This means actively listening when they’re talking to you and remembering what they say. What does this have to do with sex? Almost everything. For women, preparation for sex begins long before you hit the bed. The more cherished the average wife feels, the more interested she will be in (and more enjoyable she will find) sex with you. Women above all want to be wanted for more than their bodies. This means you cannot reserve affection and conversation solely for times you are interested in leveraging them into sex. Love your wife’s whole person and love her wholly. A wife will most engage in sexual intimacy — emphasis on the “intimacy” — when she feels safe, when she feels that you are interested in her heart and mind, not just her body. So listen to her all the time and remember what she says so she knows you really were listening. Remember that emotional connection comes first, sex second.
2. Make your wife your standard of beauty. - There is almost nothing more shaming to a wife than to feel as though her husband’s vision is captivated by someone else, even if it’s just a pretty stranger who happens to pass by. Over time, as couples become more and more familiar with each other, and bodies change, etc., a wife’s fear of losing her husband’s eye typically grows. Husbands, make it your firm commitment — a covenant with your eyes — that you will not measure your wife against anybody else, real or imaginary. If measurement takes place, they must measure against her, and they must all fall short. In Proverbs 5:18-19, the father warns his son against adultery and says:
18Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
19a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
The Hebrew word there that is rendered “breasts,” by the way, is of course best translated as breasts. This is not metaphorical, and it’s not temporary. May the breasts of your young wife satisfy you at all times, which means even when neither of you is young any more. Is your wife skinny? You like skinny. Is she not? Then you like “not.” Maybe her body changed. Well, then, you changed too. And this can’t be something you just say; it must be something you actually feel.
3. Forethought is foreplay. – Someone wrote a book called Sex Begins in the Kitchen, and they weren’t talking about gettin’ wild. They were talking about preparing of a wife’s heart, about romancing her, and this, in the context of children and family, domestic duties and chores, routines and schedules, and just the weariness of age and days going by way too fast, means really taking care of your wife. It means having a vision of sexual intimacy that begins with “unromantic” romance like babysitting the kids so your wife can get away with friends or have time to breathe and chase a hobby or study the Bible, doing the dishes and cooking dinner so that’s one less thing she feels wearied by. A woman’s mind becomes cluttered, and when her mind becomes cluttered, her body becomes tired. A grace-driven husband, then, will recognize that foreplay isn’t just the lighter touches and affection that immediately precede intercourse, but all the romancing he can do in the days and hours leading up to “hitting the hay” by way of removing obstacles and stress from his wife’s way. Rescue her body long in anticipation of having access to it.
Many men and women will have reluctances or objections to some of these steps, and some of these hesitations will be legitimate. None of these steps are to say that the precious gift of mutually satisfying sexual intimacy is easy to achieve, but merely to say that couples interested in selfless love of their spouse in the area of sexual intimacy could do a lot worse than the ideas mentioned. 
HT: Gospel Driven
